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I feel like I was a mistake from the start

Posted by JC at August 22, 2012
Tags: 2012 August Health

My mom had me for a promised 50,000 bucks from my dad. From that ignoble beginning, things have never really worked out. Dad never gave the money and my mom never really forgave me. I had to make up for it by being a poster child for her supposed success.

Every day I had to stand by her side while my dad yelled and beat us. Being a property owner, he was always too timid to demand rent from any non-paying renter and he used us as the main scapegoat. Meanwhile, we were all reduced to poverty status for many years as my dad kept starting new projects he had no idea of how to handle, leading to further losses and years of fruitless work for us all.

I did quite well in school, but was always considered unusual. When college came around, I was forced to stay at home and work on two jobs to support the family as my dad began his crowning mother of all business projects. As expected, it was a huge disaster and my mom was forced to resolve all the issues, which gave her a heart attack at the age of 53.

Though the main artery was almost completely blocked, she recovered, but my college experience became five years of hell. I turned to alcohol, cigarettes, and weed. I dont know how I managed to graduate and hold down the jobs with at least satisfactory performance. The only thing keeping me sane was work, which paid quite well and which I enjoyed.

But I was never able to find a girlfriend or meaningful companionship. My my very nature, I cannot switch my feelings toward people. I only feel an intense, permanent love for the same girl, which has lasted my entire adult life, making me unable to find any substitute. But she never saw me as a potential boyfriend, and I was forced to watch her get bamboozled by boyfriend after abusive boyfriend.

So here I am, an emotional wreck, forever regarded as a social misfit, always espying starry-eyed at the same girl I feel I can never get, and slowly being destroyed my my inner demons of alcholism.


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